An Open Letter to my Past Self
My beautiful Ashley –
You did the best you could, and I need you to know how proud of you I am. I know how hard that is to believe, to feel, because I know how much shame you hold. I know how hard it is for you and I know how much you resent not only what has happened to you, but the things you have done as well. You didn’t deserve those things, and you didn’t know how to live through those things, and for that you cannot blame yourself.
You did the best you could, and you did live through those things. You did survive.
I’m so sorry for all that happened – I’m sorry for what he did to you. I’m sorry for what they did to you. I’m sorry for what I did to you.
The scars that riddle our own skin I sat ashamed of for so long. I was ashamed of them, of you, of what happened. I was ashamed of all of it, for so long. It’s been hard for me too – finding my place in this world… finding a home within myself. Finding some solace, some purpose – anything – in what you have been through. Some things are easier to do that with than others. That shame runs deep.
But I need you to know that I am not ashamed of you. I have shed the shame I had for you because I know that you did the best you could with what you had. The healing I can do today I understand you could not do. You were fragile and you thought yourself broken. You turned to the only tool you thought you had, and for that I am sorry. But I am proud of you for doing the best you could.
Ash, what you have been through, what you have seen and felt and lived, that is what made me who I am today. I know it hurts, I know it’s painful, and I know you wish you hadn’t lived it – I wish that too – but if it brings any solace to the sadness, I need you to know that not only did we survive, but we have begun to thrive. I need you to know that you do make it out and you do find your light. You did the best you could and that has led me to step into becoming who we have always been meant to be.
I need you to know you are loved, you are wanted and needed, you are worthy, and you are the reason I am here today… because Ash, I am still here and I am in the process of becoming because you refused to give up. No matter how hard it hurt, you didn’t give up. Not only am I proud of you, but I thank you. You have done so much for me – more than you know – and you have more strength than you know. One foot in front of the other, baby girl.
You’re doing the best you can, then and now.
Ash – I vow to be there for you, always. I vow to help you heal and I vow to hold you close as I show you the life of your dreams is possible. I vow to show you that there is so much this life has to offer for you. I know you can’t see it now, but I promise you, Ash, there is so much coming your way. All the pain, the hurt, the trauma, it will all lead you into who I am, and together we will step into who we are at our core.
I’m sorry I ever resented you and I’m sorry I ever held shame over you. I was doing the best I could. And now, I am doing the same. You see, we are always doing the best we can with what we have, and that is really all we can do.
Thank you for holding on. Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for pushing forward even when it felt like there was no more forward ahead of you. Thank you for being you, Ash, because you made me, me.
And together, we are doing the best we can.
Together, we are building the life you never thought you could have.
Together, we are healing.
Together, we are Ashley. And let me tell you, she is pretty damn incredible if you give her a chance. A little rough around the edges, but can you blame her? She takes it all in stride now.
You’d be proud of her.
I am proud of you.
We are proud of us.
Ashley –
I love you so much.
I am so proud of you.
I forgive you.
I am here for you.
I hold you close, always, but I also let you go.
Together, we transform into who we are.
Together, we walk away to walk toward.
With all my heart,
Ashley xx
