Thinking back, it was about 8th grade when the wall started getting built… and a wall it was. Not just some rickety old fence that you could get through if you poked it enough times, no, it was more like the Great Wall of China. The Great Wall of Ashley, if you will. Its construction didn’t take long.
The time I began building it is about the same time depression started creeping its way into my life. The stronger the depression got, the thicker the wall became. From 8th grade into the years that followed, I thought I saw endless proof that I couldn’t let anyone in because if I did I would get hurt. I saw the wall as a way of protecting myself from more hurt. The ironic part? It didn’t stop it. In fact, it may have contributed to the depression getting worse and worse, and even more hurt, because I refused to let anyone in. Then when I did, my subconscious would find the proof that I shouldn’t have. It became a viscous cycle of pain and a thickening wall around myself, my heart, and my feelings.
I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone. I felt like my vulnerabilities made me weak and would be used against me. I felt like this wall was my safety net.
Now, I’m going to be really honest here – there are still some remnants of that wall I’m working on knocking down. There are still some really deep vulnerabilities I hold shame around, and have yet to set free. I still have a tough time opening up about certain things, and I’m still working on being able to hold eye contact with people.
Side note on the eye contact: I was notoriously bad at it. I would always be the first to break it and I couldn’t hold it for more than a few seconds at a time. This was a side effect of the wall and the depression. I felt like if I held eye contact with people they would be able to see the pain, the hurt, and everything I was hiding.
It’s very much a process… it’s a healing journey. But wow, I have come so far since then. I have knocked so much of this wall down. I have let people in like I never did before. I have shared parts of my story I never thought I would have the strength to share.
So how did I do it? How did it finally start coming down?
As I sit here and think about it, I’m trying to pinpoint exactly when it started to happen… It started to crack – small, little cracks in the seams – when I left high school and went to college. I walked away from the most painful years of my life, and into a new chapter. I walked away from all the people who had contributed to the wall being built and to the traumas I faced, and I walked into new relationships and friendships with people who genuinely wanted to know me, and who loved me no matter what they learned about me or my past. Honestly, I walked away from everyone and everything from that time, except for two friends who are so near and dear to my heart – two friends who kept me standing in high school. And of course, my family.
Although the wall was beginning to crack, it was still very much there during college. There were big parts of my past I didn’t open up about until after I graduated. I was so afraid to trust people. I was so afraid to let people in that for so long, I still couldn’t.
Freshman year of college, I opened up to Zach. We had just began our relationship and I opened up to him about everything. He became that one person for me. And he didn’t leave me. He listened to all my hurt and my pain and he loved me harder. He stayed. He was the first person who knew it all and stayed. He was the first person to really show me I could let my guard down.
Then my graduate year of college shit hit the fan, and I will never ever forget how that changed me. THAT is when the wall really got sledgehammered. I crashed my car head on into a tree, totaled it, and got arrested. As I took the field sobriety test, got breathalyzed, and then got handcuffed, my friends were right there. They stood there and they didn’t move until I was taken away in the cop car. There’s a big portion of this story I haven’t told only because it’s not mine to tell, but my brother had come to visit a friend that same weekend, and at some point we were no longer able to reach him. I had no idea where he was and as I got pushed into the back of the cop car, I turned around and said to my friends “Do not come get me until you find my brother. He is the priority.” They said they would, and they did.
Then they came and bailed me out. They walked into the station four strong and posted my bail. They came home with me, comforted me, made sure I was alright, and they showed me how much they cared. The week following, one of them, who lived with us, came up to the room every night and he just sat there with Zach as they hung out – they didn’t make me talk, they just kept me company because they knew I needed it.
I tell you all this because THIS is what really made that wall start coming down. THIS was when I realized they were here for the long haul. THIS is when I realized I had people in my life who, no matter what, wouldn’t leave me.
They didn’t judge me. They didn’t hurt me. They didn’t leave me. They loved me with all they had and that showed me I truly could let people in. That showed me I could trust people.
After that, I started opening up to those closest to me. I started showing myself that I could open up, I could let that wall down. I could just be who I was and I would still be loved.
From there, I started my personal development journey, which turned into a growth, healing & inner work journey. The more I started opening up to myself and healing the darkness within, the more I was able to open up to others. You see, it feels impossible to knock that wall down when you hadn’t only blocked others out with it, but you managed to block yourself out with it. Any and all darkness, pain, hurt, trauma got shoved behind that wall and I didn’t even allow myself to look at it.
So as I let myself in and started diving deeper than I ever had before, it became easier and easier to let those close to me in deeper. The wall was truly coming down.
The combination of what my friends showed me, and opening up to myself, allowed me to begin opening up to the world. I started small and started sharing some of the less scary vulnerabilities, and I started realizing that there were so many people out there who could relate – who needed to hear they weren’t alone. I started to realize my story had power. My vulnerabilities were in fact my strength, not my weakness.
The more I opened up, the more the wall came down.
Now here I am today with only remnants of that wall still lingering.
The thing I learned is… the only way to truly start knocking down that wall is to prove to yourself it can be knocked down. Putting yourself out there, even to just one person, can be so hard and so scary, but it really is how you start to see that there are people who care, who love you, who accept you, who won’t leave you.
To start knocking down that wall, you must allow the almighty gates to creak open. Albeit, mine didn’t even have gates until college. So start by creating gates in your wall, then start to open them slowly.
It took years for my wall to really come down, but what I have gained by allowing people in is incredible. Did I still get hurt? Yes, I did. There have been a few times when I let someone through the gates and I got hurt from it. But those who have shown me love and acceptance far outweigh the ones who haven’t. And that, to me, makes it so worth it.
So to recap:
– I walked away from everyone and everything that contributed to the building of the wall
– I opened up fully to one person I was learning to trust, and he showed me I could trust him
– I found friends who stood by me no matter what; friends who didn’t leave me
– I started opening up to those friends more and more
– I opened up to myself more than I ever had before, and began my healing journey
– I slowly, but surely, started opening up to the world
I won’t tell you it’s easy and I won’t tell you it’s not scary. But I will tell you it is so fucking worth it.
Knocking down my wall has opened me up to a level of freedom and inner liberation I never knew could exist for me. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
If you’re beginning, or even thinking about, knocking down your own wall, but you’re scared of being hurt or you don’t know who to start opening up to – I am here. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I will never judge you, I will never break your trust, and I will never make you feel weak for sharing your vulnerabilities. I know it’s hard, and I know taking those first steps can be downright terrifying. I am here to help you, to be that person, if you need one. Let me help show you that your wall can be broken down, and you can trust people.
My doors are always open 😉
With endless love & good vibes,
Ash xx
