The time I spend alone has transformed into something I now cherish and even crave. It is a necessary part of my self-care and contributes deeply to my self-love and the relationship I have built, and continue building, with myself.
This wasn’t always the reality though. I used to hate being alone, because I was spending time by myself. There was a certain aspect of liking being alone sometimes, as it meant I didn’t have to talk to anyone or explain to anyone how I was feeling – many times, I didn’t have the energy to interact with others as the depression was draining. It also meant I didn’t have to acknowledge my feelings. I had that wall built up around myself – I didn’t trust people, I didn’t trust my biggest vulnerabilities being exposed. So I kept it all to myself, and I shoved it down. Not only did I not acknowledge it with others, I wouldn’t even acknowledge it with myself because I was scared to.
For this reason, I would find ways to cope – ones that created a space of mindlessness and ones that took away the mental pain as much as possible. I couldn’t bare to face what was going on in my inner world, so I would do anything to avoid it, to shove it down, to ignore it, and to wish it away. What I didn’t know then was how detrimental this was to my mental health (really, every aspect of my health) and how much more pain it created.
The thing is – the more you resist things, the more they persist. Similarly, the more you ignore feelings and emotions, the more they fester. That energy sits and it grows and it undermines everything else, especially if that energy is negative. So as I continued to block it out as best I could, it continued to fester in the dark corner I had shoved it in – it kept coming back up, and it pulled in anything it could to make it stronger. This turns into deeper seated limiting beliefs and fears, either digging existing ones a deeper hole or creating new ones in the process.
Over time, I have come to understand a difference between spending time by yourself and spending time with yourself. Being by yourself is isolating and characterized by avoidance. Being with yourself is healing and characterized by awareness, understanding, and acceptance; it is building your relationship with self by showing up for yourself.
But how did this time alone turn into time spent with myself, when once it was time spent by myself?
Honestly – I had enough. I reached my I-can’t-live-like-this-anymore point. I felt so lost and confused and even though I had literally no idea what to do, I knew something had to change. So I started slow with the surface level self-care and self-development. Although the surface level can only get you so far, it’s a damn good place to start if you don’t know where else to start. It got me to start paying more attention to myself. And with that I started learning more about myself, and I started realizing there was sooooo much I had ignored and avoided over the years.
Then I realized it was time to go deeper – I had hit that surface level wall. But if you’ve never gone into your inner world before – really looking it all in the face – then there’s a high possibility you have literally no idea how (that was me). So next came me asking for help. I hired a coach. I invested in myself by investing in someone who had done the work and knew how to hold space for others to do their own work. Because if we’re being blunt: if you try to go at this alone, you’ll end up smashing your head off an imaginary (or honestly, literal) wall. It will be frustrating and it will be confusing and there’s a high possibility your limiting beliefs, subconscious mind, and ego will pull you back down the rabbit hole.
I say this because I went through all of this. That ^ is exactly what happened to me before I asked for help and hired a mentor.
Now you may be asking, what did that really do for me? How did that contribute to the transformation of my alone time?
It taught me that I even had an inner world. It taught me what my inner world consisted of and how to look within it. It taught me about my mind, my belief systems (including the limiting beliefs), and how my past dictated my present and future unless it was healed.
By learning about all of this, I was able to begin to truly understand why my life looked and felt the way it did. I understood that without doing anything about my inner world, nothing in my outer world would change. So I began to cultivate presence with myself. I began to cultivate awareness of my thoughts, feelings and emotions. Instead of avoiding them, no matter how much I wanted to, I took an honest look at them. I looked at what they were, what triggered them / where they came from, what they were telling me, and so on.
Paying more attention to myself and what was going on within me is how I began to build a relationship with myself. It’s how I began to feel more comfortable being with myself… and the more comfortable I got, the more that time alone transformed from isolating avoidance to openness and willingness.
Now, I truly love the time I get to spend alone. I truly love to hang out with myself and be present with myself. I understand that no matter what comes up, it is present for a reason. The less-than-desirable feelings or emotions that come up are calling to be healed, and unless I sit down with myself and accept they are here, I will not understand them in a way that allows them to be healed and released.
Spending time by myself closed myself off to myself.
Spending time with myself opened myself up to myself.
That changed the game.
With endless love and good vibes,
Ash xx
P.S. I understand if all this personal growth, mindset, self-acceptance and relationship with self stuff is overwhelming or confusing. You do not have to go through this alone and there is no shame in asking for help. If you’re ready to step fully into your journey, reach out to me or book a connection call to get started on vibing with your life.
